Set Me Free.

Escape.

Sometimes I just wish I can run.

Other times I just want to keep driving and see where I end up.

Run away.

Drive away.

Dream away.

I think that is probably why I am drawn to the canyons.

Or roads I've never driven.

Explore and adventure.

That's what I do.

People look at me like I'm crazy.

What do you like to do?

I kinda just go exploring.

We never know what we are going to do.

Each time I hang out with my friends we just do what we feel like.

Spontaneous.

Random.

That's my life.

I'm ok with it.

But then there are things like responsibility.

And being an adult.

So a drive through the canyon singing at the top of my lungs will have to do.

Music is my escape.

I feel it.

I love it.

I live it.

I can't explain it.

Those times when you can just feel yourself drifting away with the melody.

It's almost like you become one with the music.

If you've never experienced it, I hope one day you do.

Until then,

Be wild.

Be unpredictable.

Change with the seasons.

Drift like a musical note on a summer breeze.

Come away with me.

Set me free.

In a Perfect World...

...This would never happen."

-Simple Plan

The past would never reenter your present.

The drama would be nonexistent.

The awkwardness wouldn't happen. 

The power of emotion from experiences past wouldn't cloud your judgement.

Seeing him there wouldn't tug at your heart.

His face would just blend into the wave of unnamed, unmarked faces that float by in your everyday.

No thoughts would race through your mind.

Not one bittersweet memory would dance into your vision.

A person couldn't love a substance more than another human being.

Addictions and desires wouldn't break a relationship into pieces.

Cheating would never happen.

Lies wouldn't crumble walls built from trust.

...but that's not the world we live in...

Our world is:

condemned.                           ignorant.                          broken.                  hateful.                 depressing.

                        hurtful.                            rude.                            evil.                        hypnotic.                

greedy.                            chaotic.                       impatient.                  stubborn.                        toxic.

In order to survive the world, you cannot live by your own strength.

I cannot change the world, but I can change my view about it.

I may not like the things I go through, but I know they make me stronger.

I wouldn't be who I am today without going through

the pain.

the lies.

the hurt.

the cheating.

the addictions.

the idols.

the struggles.

the drama.

the memories.

the mistakes.

the brokenness.

the solarity.

I guess what I've come to learn is...

Your past shapes your present, and your present molds your future.

You can't just have one.  

Life doesn't fit nicely into three clear-cut categories:

past, present, future.

Life is messy.

Life is unpredictable.

Life is real.

There is hurt.

There is pain.

But there is also joy and happiness.

One can choose to learn from their past and change,

or dwell on their mistakes and lose themselves.

There is no cliffnotes for living.

You have to go through life alone.

Well not entirely,

You go through life with God.

As much as you wish it,

There is no way to skip forward or rewind life.

You have to live.

You can't live in the past realistically.

The future hasn't happened yet.

So live NOW.

Live in the present with a hope for the future.

Live with trust in God.

There is no perfect world,

unless it's heaven.

But I'm not there yet.

My story on earth is still being written.

I don't know why.

I don't know for how long.

I don't know which direction it'll go next.

But I do know, that it still is.

So, let the adventures continue.

And may the odds be ever in my favor.

(haha that won't happen, not all the time, but a girl can dream right?)

Through the Glass

"I'm looking at you through the glass...

Don't know how much time has passed.

And all I know is that it feels like forever.

When no one ever tells you that forever,

Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head."

-Stone Sour

Do you ever feel like you're looking at someone's life,

like you are looking at yourself from the past?

Or watching someone make the choices they will make,

and you let them, because you know they wouldn't listen to you anyways?

That's how I feel.  

Not so much with myself as much lately,

but with my friends.

Or people I used to consider that.

Friend.

(noun).

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; supporter.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

Now don't get me wrong,

there are tons of people in my life who I've been through a lot with.

Some of them, I consider friends.

Others, friends at a distance..or ones I can handle in doses.

That sounds horrible.

But if you look deep into your life, 

you do it too.

I don't have many best friends.

(This always makes me think of Even Stevens when Ren says "hasn't anyone ever told you that you can have more than one best friend?".  Bah. I miss that show. Ya I said it.  Don't judge.)

I can count them on one hand.

And even those few,

As I have learned in the past few years,

are subject to change.

People go through experiences that shape them.

Friends stick by their side.

I refuse to sit in my room all day.

I refuse to use others for my personal gain.

I refuse to drink my life away.

I refuse to not think about the consequences of my choices.

I refuse to let classifications define the people I associate with.

I refuse to think that the whole world owes me and I am entitled to everything.

I refuse to act like an only child.

I refuse to change myself to engage in someone's fantasy world.

I've lost friendships to people like that.

I can't do it anymore.

Those people weren't there for me.

Aren't good for me.

Don't realize they've lost me.

Aren't worth my time.

I called my mom from work today,

to thank her for being so tough on me.

I never realized exactly how much my parents were doing everything they could,

to prepare me,

for the real world,

for life,

until it slaps you in the face,

until you see it in yourself,

until you see it in your friends.

Everything is changing.

Seasons change.

Sometimes friends go with them.

I have a season coming to an end.

I wonder what God will bring next.

I guess I have the next 5 months to find out.

Summer's in the air and baby heaven's in your eyes.

Summer.

About that...

What I should be doing:

Seeing sights. Roadtrips. Late nights.  Icecream.  Crazy Adventures. Parties.  Tattoos.  Smiles.  

What I am doing:

Papers. Work. Insomnia.  Stress.  Case Studies.  Projects.  

You know, the fun stuff.  

I've just come to accept the fact that my computer is my best friend.

And that's okay.

You know why?

1) God's awesome.

2) He has me in this season for a reason.

3) I'm grateful.

"All I know is that it feels like forever, when no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head."

-Stone Sour

Yes, I feel like I have been going through this program forever.

Yes, I know I'm over exaggerating.

Yes, I know this brings me one step closer to my future.

And I have to say that 16 months (only 5 months left **eeeee happy dance XD ****) may be a really long time, but I have learned so much in this past year and a half of my life that I know God is preparing me for something big.  I've been in this particular season of my life for a few years, and even thought there are times where I ABSOLUTELY hate it, I wouldn't change it.

I love who I am.

...every now and then I have my doubts, but who doesn't?

I'm okay with being "the girl with the speech."

..sometimes it's frustrating but I know it means I'm fighting for what I believe in.

I love when people tell me I need to relax and be more adventurous.

...because it means that they don't really know me at all.

I can handle when the past steps into my present.

...just because it came into my present doesn't mean it has to be part of my future.

I know what I want.

...and I'll work my butt off to get it.

Life is changing.

And I'm okay with it.

Summer may not be what I am used to this year,

but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

^^^he's right.

I bid you adieu.

Fifteen.

Today is the first time in fifteen years I am not going back to camp.

Fifteen.

That's over a decade.

That's half way to two decades.

It's the only Summer I can remember.

It's my childhood and early adult life.

But,

Growing up sometimes means sacrificing things that you love.

Transitioning into a new stage in my life and learning to deal with situations I don't want to handle...

sucks.

HARD.

But that is life. And I know that the change will be for the better.

The past fifteen years will mean NOTHING if I don't continue on with my grad school program.

Even though it's Summer.

Even though Camp is like my second family.

Even though I'm going to miss those kids more than anything.

God has a reason.

I may not like it.

But I know it will be the best choice for my life.  

The cool thing about the past fifteen years though...

I will always be Halo.

I will associate with my Wolves forever.

Those children have impacted my summers and I have impacted theirs.

I've watched them grow up.

Start to work with me.

And become counselors making the same impact on kids of their own.

Camp is a wonderful place and my memories there will always be something I have with me.

Fifteen years shapes a person.

My friends are there.

My friends are family.

I've been married there so many times it's ridiculous.

I've been there when people have been born and now they are almost teenagers.

I love camp.  

A LOT.

Punkies.

Beaver Bunny Bear.

Grandma Porch Club.

CILT's.

Weasels.

Mustangs.

Penguins.

Wolves.

Tea Parties.

Facing Fears.

Meeting New People.

Having Them Turn Into Best Friends.

Childhood.

Stupid Kids Songs That Get STUCK in your head FUR DAYZ.

Tree Cookies.

Camp Weddings.

Ready Set Go/ Echosmith.

Mentors.

Sunburns and Sunscreen.

Crazy Dress Up Days

Pictures to Last a Lifetime.

Tutus. (everyday).

Breaking In.

Breaking Out.

Counselor of the Year.

Dances.

Thumper.

Group Songs.

"What's Halo's favorite color?---ORANGE!

What color does Halo hate?---PINK!

Where do you go when Halo gets hungry?---SUBWAY!

Are you ready for a swim test?---YEAAAAA!"

"A stepping stone of the past can be a foundation for the future."

Everything I have experienced and learned from camp has shaped who I am and what kind of teacher I will be.

I would say farewell,

but I know it is not truly goodbye.

 

That Welcome Thing

Well hello there.

You're wonderful.

You know why? Because you're reading this.

And if you can read this... you should thank a teacher from some point in your life because they got you this far.  Yup.

Blah.

Ok. Anyways. HI!

This is a place where you will come to get to know me a little bit better.  It's kind of like a glimpse of the tangled spiderwebs that hold my thoughts in my brain.  I apologize if they are ADD.  I write what I feel.

If you don't like that, then I don't like you.

Just Kidding!

I'm not like that.  

But this blog is intended for me to speak freely, and as you'll soon learn I am known to speak my mind.

I hope you enjoy my active stream of consciousness.

Ready...Set...Get Tangled!