Time Warp

“Let’s do the time warp again!”

Shout out to Rocky Horror ;p!

I was looking back at some of my old journals the other day and it really made me think about how quickly time actually passes.  It is interesting to look back at my life then and see where I am now—there has been so much growth and change without my realizing.

When you desire something you don’t have, or don’t want to be in the season you are currently in, time feels like it is crawling by.  When you are excited about a season, or scared about the future, you can’t seem to find where the time went because it’s going so fast.

It’s crazy to think about.  Looking at your life 5 years ago to your life now.  I don’t know about you, but I am definitely NOT the same person.  At all.  I have gone through a lot of crazy experiences---some good and some bad, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it.  All of those experiences have had some sort of shaping influence on my life, again good or bad, but they all lead me to who I am today. 

Back then:

I was young.  I was naïve.  I trusted easily.  I believed in love.  I thought with my emotions.  My parents obviously had no idea what they were talking about.  I chose friends based upon how easy it was to connect with them.  If something negative happened I turned to my friends, not God.  I held grudges.  You hurt me, I hurt you.  I was angry.  You didn’t mess with me (you still don’t—but it was worse back then).  My friends were my everything.  I was never pretty enough.  I was never good enough.  Everyone always wanted my friends.  If I couldn’t be successful in the areas I wanted to, I might as well surround myself with people who could.  Everyone looked to me for advice and decisions.  I had my head on my shoulders.  When one of those friends turned into a significant other, I jumped at the opportunity.  It didn’t matter that he treated me like crap.  It didn’t matter how he shaped my mind to think that the words he said, the ways he treated me, the things he did to me, the things he convinced me to do, were ok.  He showed interest in me, I was loyal to him.  I made excuses for him, I put up with things I shouldn’t have, I changed myself to suit his likes and wants, I worshipped him--he became my everything.  He was my best friend, so naturally it was easy to fill that void I needed to fill with God with someone else.  My faith was minimal at best.  I believed in God—knew He was there but He never really showed me much and quite frankly I wasn’t looking.  I did however know how to make it look like I had my spiritual life altogether.  Everyone thought I did…I even believed it myself.  I planned everything.  I was determined.  My whole life was set.  I was in control.  My future was planned…down to when I’d finish college, when we’d get married, and where we would move afterwards.  We planned those things together.  It was easy to dream when it felt like you had your whole life together…which of course I did at 19 because I knew everything…didn’t you?

BAHAHAH COULDN’T SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

So, when things were taken out of my control and it felt like my whole world exploded.

I broke. I broke because my world did.

Completely.

Shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I didn’t know who God was and I hated Him. I didn’t have any friends.  The situations I had gotten myself into literally were dangerous to my health and my life.  I was surrounded by darkness and there was no one there except the one person I didn’t want to go to to get me out.  I remember being so angry with God, but forcing myself to go to church and be strong for everyone else because that was where I needed to be. 

And so, I rebuilt myself.  My faith.  My mindset.  My life. On a foundation that would last.

Now:

I’m a lot older.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.  I’ve spent time working on myself and figuring out who I am, who God wants me to be.  My faith is strong.  Don’t get me wrong there have been times where I’ve definitely slipped up, given up, gotten fed up, but I keep coming back to God.  Have I raised my standards?  Absolutely.  I have learned my value and worth over these years.  I’ve learned to control my anger.  I’ve learned to remove myself from situations before they get worse.  I know how to forgive.  Even when it’s hard.  I built up walls. Lots and lots of walls.  To protect myself from getting hurt.  For a while that worked, but I realize that isn’t what God wants.  I’ve had friends come into my life…and stick around…and it is because of them that those walls have started to come down (Kaitie, Jourdan, Peter, and Greg--I’m sorry for fighting you every step of the way, sometimes treating you less than what you deserve.  Thank you so much for being patient with me and sticking around to see me through this time in my life and for the future times to come<3).  I’ve discovered who to invest in and how to keep people at an arm’s length when necessary.  I’ve figured out that the whole world isn’t against me 100% of the time, but rather sometimes there are lessons I need to learn and that that is okay. I’ve found that it isn’t worth the time, effort, or emotion to be angry or hold grudges.  I still struggle with feeling good enough or pretty enough, but I’m working on it.  Trust is something I’m trying.  Yes, sometimes it is really, really, hard, but I’ve had a couple really great people in my life show me that it isn’t always a bad thing to trust someone.  I’ve learned never to make anyone or anything your everything except GOD.  End of discussion.  He is the only one who will NEVER leave you or forsake you.  I see now that how I was treated and what I allowed in my life in the form of a significant other was unacceptable and that I deserve better.  I have learned that the future is not ours to see (…unless God decides to bless you with parts of your future in which case just let that settle in for a minute and try to deal with that---wouldn’t change it!)… and I’m okay with that.  Spontaneity is good.  I’ve learned to never say never because if you do God laughs at you and will most definitely prove you wrong.  But most of all, I’ve learned that I’m different.  And that’s okay.  Because I am me, and there’s only one of me. 

 It’s crazy to see after living your life for so long a certain way that when you start saying yes to God, things begin to change.  God’s moving in my life and He has made that very clear.  I know it’s starting to be different because I’m not bitter anymore.  I never once for 5 and a half years have not been bitter when I see stuff like love and dating etc. (figured it’s appropriate with Valentine’s day coming up—still not a fan.).

This sums it up:

Never has it been a good thing for me.  Ever.  I’ve hated the idea of love.  For 4 years straight I’ve had someone get married, engaged, or have a baby every two weeks.  Not exaggerating.  27 dresses is my life.  Everyone around me has been in and out of relationships etc.  It just is what it is.  There wasn’t any changing it.  Love songs? Ya freaking right.  No way.  Now?  After having a better relationship with God and being able to listen to the things He is telling me and showing me?  I’m not bitter.  I’m just calm.  Every ounce of my being is screaming NOOOOO IT’S A TRAP! 

 It doesn’t seem real.  This future that God is showing me (O.P.B.A.E.—you’re welcome Beastie <3).  I struggled with it for a long time---even believing it. 

“Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded.  For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.”-Habakkuk  1:5

^^^ so accurate it’s not even funny.  That’s what I get for getting frustrated and asking God to reveal stuff to me.  I’ve realized that it costs you something to believe in something that is worth believing in.  In coming to this church God has showed me so much.  The word bridge implies movement from one location to another which serves as reminder that you won’t be here forever, but rather just for a little while.  A good guy friend of mine once made a profound statement of “practice makes permanent.”  So, while God has me here, I plan to practice listening and doing what God asks of me by choosing to learn, grow, trust, and be faithful as much as I can.  I am in a season of changes---the plan is not to be comfortable.  Love is belief and faith.  God is love.  Sometimes it is difficult to believe and trust past your emotions—especially when it is in areas where the decisions you make could be life changing.  Be faithful to the things God is showing you; say yes to God, push through the doubt,---God knows exactly who He’s looking for, stand strong in the trials, look for the promise.

“If satan can’t unsave you, then he is going to try and distract you.”

-Pastor Barry Mulock

The above statement proves to be true.  These past few weeks have been rough.  REALLY rough.  Family crap.  Self-image issues.  Comparisons to others. Doubting my faith.  Everything.  It felt like the world was against me and so were the people who were supposed to be supporting me.

I found myself doubting.  A lot.

I felt like I couldn’t handle it.  Anything.

I just wanted to quit.  EVERYTHING.

I wanted to leave.

Walk away.

Never come back.

Was it all worth it?

Faith. Church. Patience.

I wasn’t too sure.

Then I had to be reminded by my best friend that it was worth all the trouble:

“You’re a blessing.  You go out into all those districts and shine the light of Jesus on those kids.  I love you for who you are, not what you do, not how people see you.  God loves you for who you are and who you are becoming.  Stop comparing yourself to others and listening to the lies of a broken people and a broken church.”

Thank you for that.

The comparisons aren’t worth it. 

There are no comparisons

You are wonderful

You are beautiful

You are loved

You are worth something.

Sometimes I feel like I fail the tests that God puts me through--how will I deal when circumstances are worse than the ones at hand?

I will always have to be the strong one.

I will never be prepared enough to handle that.

So I pray that God molds me into what I think I can’t be, because He knows that I can.

Someone at Wintercamp this year told me that “I can see joy radiating off you—it just glows,” and it just struck me as so odd because I don’t feel like I have that at all.  If anything I feel like I struggle with joy the most.  I want to be better at that.  I think I will be soon.  I have a good support system.  There are certain people, some new J and some old J that keep me going and point me back to God when I fall.  They show me joy.  They help me to believe and remember the amazing things that God has done and shown me in my life in the past and even for the future.  In a few hours one of those people will be officially back in the state, and coming to live with me. J

Life keeps changing.

Circumstances keep happening.

Faithfulness keeps growing.

God keeps moving.

And so I will follow.

“God has a plan bigger and better than you could imagine.  Being scared or unfaithful and showing anything other than joy diminishes who God is in your life.”-Renee Goble