That’s how I feel.
Confused. Scared. In the dark.
Not knowing where I’m
going. Not knowing where I’ll end up.
But yet, I have to stay faithful.
“Cause I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart”-Hillsong United
Do you know how hard that is?
This whole walk by faith and not sight
thing?
And it’s crazy scary.
But as much as
this world is telling me to hold onto everything I have, make sure nothing
changes, and make sure I’m taken care of in all ways, shapes, and forms, God is
saying…”Trust Me.”
Every morning
when I open my Bible to do my devotional the bookmark falls out. It is one of those cards that has your name
on it and an encouraging verse. You know, the typical Christian bookstore
card? One of the youth group kids gave
it to me at a Winter Camp years ago.
Anyways, the verse it has on there for my name…
(which means
“chief” by the way…so I have a Masters and my name means Chief, therefore I
literally am Master Chief, a.k.a Halo, a.k.a
freaking coolest thing ever!)
..is Isaiah
41:10: “Fear not, for I am with you; Be
not dismayed, for I am your God. I will
strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right
hand.”
Everyday I use
that as a constant reminder to continue trusting in God—even when I can’t see
what’s ahead of me for the future.
I’ve been in a
season for about 5 years now where it has felt like everyone around me is
growing, changing, getting their hearts’ desires, getting MY heart’s desires---and
let me tell you that is rough to sit there and continue to try and have
patience, joy, hope, and trust that the Lord’s plan is wayyyyy better for you
than anything you can create on your own.
A pastor of mine
once said that God usually isn’t one to work slow and gradually, but more of
all of a sudden. I have definitely seen
this in my own life. Especially right
now.
God is showing me glimpses of my future, whether I am able to
comprehend them currently or not.
Changes are happening all over the place.
God is telling me
to quit my job and trust Him financially through subbing and in following my
career. I have been with the company for
almost 6 and a half years and have absolutely been treated poorly and shouldn’t
be there anymore, but it is, well was, a back up plan and extra money to move
me forward, so I thought.
Will I have the
financial cushion I planned for myself, no.
Am I scared,
absolutely.
Am I excited,
words cannot express the relief of leaving.
I put my two weeks in today.
CVS Barbie…OUT!
I have
been feeling down and discouraged about the job search for my career path. I have sent in countless applications all
over the place…and heard nothing.
Rejection letter after rejection letter—it can really get to a
person. I had a breakdown with one of my
best friends and he looked at me and said “Did you ever think that maybe God
didn’t want you to work in those districts because He has something better
planned for you?” He told me to change
my perspective and remember hope. The
next day I got a callback for an interview.
And a week later I ended up getting another. (Did I end up getting the jobs, no, but they
served their purpose not only for interview practice, but for getting me back
on track and trusting in God’s plan).
Now, I am subbing in 4 different school districts and working every day
of the week. I don’t know if I’ll be
subbing for the next year, two years, or if a job will fall into my lap, but
whatever happens I know it is because it is what God has planned for me.
People have been going
in and out of my life frequently. People
who haven’t been around for months, some even years, just popping back in out
of nowhere. Others, close or not, have
left (like mentioned in the post previous to this one, friendships are
changing/ending/beginning on the regular) and it is interesting to see what
tests come my way each day.
I’ve made my way
back into the church. The church I said
I’d never step foot into again. That’s
my bad. I know better than to play the
never say never game with God. He thinks
it is so funny when I say that. It
always backfires and I end up doing something or going somewhere I said I’d
never go back to and eating my own words.
The thing is, this time, with the marriage of the two churches…I like
it. I like it a lot. I’m starting to feel connected and have a
sense of community again. I enjoy going
to church. I look forward to it. I haven’t felt that way in a very, very long
time. Which is good.
The bittersweet
part? The four people who have had such
a hand in shaping my spiritual growth and creating the foundation of my faith
in leadership and in my young adult/adult life all are leaving the church all
at the same time. Bah. That was so hard to hear. My Pastor is leaving to start his own
church—which I get and he has been talking about this forever and it’s totally
a God thing, but there is still that little selfish part of me that will miss
him and his family there all the time.
My main mentor is leaving with him to help found and build the new
church. My spiritually adopted “Mom” and
“Dad” have felt called to leave and are stepping out in faith because they
don’t know where they will end up. I
love these four people so dearly and I can’t thank them enough for how much of
a part that they have had in growing me into the woman that I am today. I know that it is not a goodbye with their
leaving, but rather a see you later. It
will just be different. But that is what
change is isn’t it? A difference in the
norm. Being uncomfortable, but
growing. Not knowing what is coming
next, but having the faith to keep moving forward.
There have been
two people laid on my heart. This one I
struggle with everyday. I want to know
why they are there and what the purpose for this feeling is. God is NOT having it. AND I HATE IT. Talk about frustrating. Patience I swear. Especially since I have tried to either walk
away from it or not encounter it at all and God is like, mmm NOPE. I have to sit here and wait and encourage and
ride it out until God reveals to me the reasons that they are on my heart. I try not to think about it because it just
frustrates me and makes me irritated that I can’t be patient or know
everything. I’m also extremely scared of
knowing at the same time. Things can
change at any time. People can be taken
out of my life in an instant. I just
need to remember it is about what God wants, not what I want.
I have been blessed
with wisdom in several situations, whether I want to or not. The running joke with my friends--- the
number one rule is “Halo is always right.”
Sometimes it is funny, but with wisdom comes heartache. I don’t like “always being right,” and I
certainly try to not to forget that I’m only wise because God made me so. Even saying that irritates me because I know
that if you are wise you don’t ever state that you are. But recently it has been situations where I
don’t want to be right or wise because I know that I have to watch people hurt
or suffer. God has been putting me in a
crazy positions of knowledge and righteous mindset or anger and things that I
have to do whether I like it or not.
There is definitely a very real spiritual world around us that we constantly
underestimate. It’s hectic but it has
definitely been growing me a lot.
This one. This one
scares the living crap out of me. God’s
sense of humor is on point. Like
ridiculous. So I was talking to a good
friend of mine about his long season of singleness before marriage. It was encouraging to hear that I’m not the
only one who has lived and is currently living the 27 dresses lifestyle. It was a great conversation and super
encouraging—hectic because 7 years is a long time. But then again so is 5 and a half. If I have to get to 7, at least I’m more than
half way there? Bah. Anyways.
After this conversation, the next morning in my devotional the month
focus is on marriage. WHAT. LIKE NO.
FUNNY JOKE GOD….GOOD ONE. I mean
are you kidding? My best friend is SO
enjoying this. She was talking to me today
and said that I have to fall in love sometime.
Dislike. That is super
scary. I know I am being prepared for it
but I don’t know if I am ready.
I also have had crazy things and experiences happen to me or
around me in the past few months. I fully
believe that God has divine appointments for your life and that you are in
places and situations at those specific times for you to learn something,
experience something, test your faith, profess your faith, or be blessed by an
occurrence. Never ever take anything for
granted and remember to have hope. You
could be beaten down in every direction and from every angle, but know that you
are being shaped and grown and that these things are happening to prepare you
either to help yourself in the future or to help someone else who will need it
later on. I don’t believe in coincidence
or odds. I believe that everything
happens for a reason and that God has a hand in all situations. Over these past months I have had too many
“coincidences” for me not to look up at God and realize that it is all
Him. From almost losing my “baby
brother” to being placed in random classrooms, everything to the glory of
God.
I have been
struggling with being strong. Actually,
more of allowing weakness. I always have
to be strong for everyone else. I was taught that crying was a demonstration of
weakness. I hate crying. I hate feeling weak or vulnerable. It also explains why I have trouble
trusting. I’m working on trust. I struggle with it everyday. I am in a position in my life where I feel
that I have been more trusting with a few select people than I ever have been
in my entire life. AND IT SCARES THE
CRAP OUT OF ME. I have had so many
people walk away or use me that I have a very difficult time trusting and
opening up to other people. God is
growing me and showing me that I can trust certain people and that I need to
have discernment with others. The ones I
can trust, I trust very much. So much
that I am extremely vulnerable and I worry about if they will leave or turn on
me. It is a fear that I will have to get
over and only will be able to get over with the strength of Christ. Most of the time I don’t bottle up feelings,
but sometimes every now and then I have to.
Because for some reason God has put me in a position of being the person
that people look up to, or ask guidance from, or call when they need help. Always.
And don’t get me wrong. I have no
problem with that. It is just hard
keeping up so much strength all the time.
It feels like I’m not allowed to have a moment of weakness. I’m not allowed to breakdown. Who’s going to be there for me? I am blessed by a very few people and as much
as I absolutely HATE crying or breaking down, I can honestly say that these few
special people in my life have been there for me when I can’t be strong.
I also have been struggling with insecurities. Mostly about body image. I am trying to better my life and be healthy
and I am doing well in this area.
But. I still feel like I am not
good enough. I constantly struggle and
feed into the lies that satan is feeding me about not being pretty enough, or
skinny enough, or meek enough, or being too strong, too outspoken, too inexperienced,
etc. the list goes on and on. When I was
in high school, and even in junior high I used to struggle with these
things. A guy like that wouldn’t go for
a girl like me. That’s just the way it
is—that’s the social climbing ladder…end of discussion. I still am shocked when someone who is
handsome talks to me or even considers me and it isn’t a joke. I’m screwed up on this issue and I know
it. It is going to take some time to get
through it and see myself in a positive light, but I know with God’s love I can
do it. I see how far that I have come,
but it scares me how I can so quickly go back to where I once was. It hurts my heart to read over some of my old
poetry and see exactly how dark of a place I was in. Some days I feel like I am right back where I
started. It makes me wonder what am I
not learning if I feel like this or end up back in this place. Hopefully one day I will be able to look at
me the way God sees me.
“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies. How very different our ideals of beauty would
be.”
I know that the Lord is working in me. I can feel it. I can see the changes. All at once.
All of a sudden. It is scary but
exciting at the same time. God gives me
the constant reminder to be bold and have courage. I have a coin that I carry with me where on
one side it says have courage and on the other side it says take the risk. It is a reminder for me to not be afraid and
push myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do, but also not to miss out
on the life that God has graciously placed in front of me. I don’t want to live my life regretting that
I didn’t take the chances and opportunities I had put in front of me. I also pray that I have the wisdom to know
what choices are beneficial for me and which ones to avoid so that I do not
have regrets in a negative connotation.
Either way, this season I’ve entered is most assuredly one of
change. I’m excited. I’m scared.
I’m nervous. But I am staying
faithful. Wish me luck… I’m diving
in.
“I'm diving in,
I'm going deep, in over my head I want to be caught in the rush, tossed in the
flow, in over my head I want to go the river's deep, the river's wide, the
river's water is alive so sink or swim, I'm diving in.”-Steven Curtis Chapman
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”-Hillsong
United
“Trust in the Lord
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”-Proverbs 3:5
