…I can't give everything away.
I won't give everything away."
Because I already have.
All the time.
I truly and genuinely care about people and it gets me into trouble. I've been burned so many times I've lost count.
And each time,
it feels like I pull back further and further.
My "friends" are very limited and the older I get the less I can seem to handle.
Trust is hard for me.
So is sugar coating.
I think these past few years of my life working on being real and consistent in every situation has made it easier for me to be honest with myself and others…
…it comes down to this: if you don't want to hear the truth then don't ask for my opinion.
I also think that that affects my "friendships."
If you are in a situation that you don't like and you keep complaining about it and there are several ways to fix it but you won't do anything about it..
I. CAN'T. DEAL.
If you're dramatic or constantly needing attention for the hell of it..
NOT gonna work out.
And I think that's why I start to care less and less when these people walk out of my life.
Yea it hurts..
because emotionally I take the time to invest in these "friendships" and help people. And when they leave it kind of feels like a giant screw you. Whatever. It really isn't worth my time.
But I did start to wonder.
Am I doing something wrong?
I'm the common factor in these "friendships."
You know what I realized?
I don't belong here.
I'm not of this world.
People don't like being told the truth,
especially if it makes them wrong or uncomfortable.
Defensive anger runs this world.
It destroys "friendships."
The only person whose purpose in life is to steal, kill, and destroy is satan.
MAKES. PERFECT. SENSE.
This is satan's world, I just live in it…temporarily.
This also explains insecurities and depression.
It is hard to have faith in God when you can't see or hear Him.
satan.feeds.off.of.it.
I have been hurt by several people in the church.
And for whatever reason I could come up with, it was just easier not to be there:
grad school
work
lack of sleep
…anything.
Slowly I've been making my way back in.
It has taken time to heal, but it is progressing.
Two weeks ago I made the conscious decision to start going back to church on Sundays.
That Sunday I went back and I knew I needed to be there.
I walked in and the screen said:
"Bridging the gap between who you are and who you were created to be."
The church is a place of growth--and if I'm not growing, I'm dying.
The whole message that Sunday was about alignment and change. "Allignment makes a huge difference in moving forward." Absolutely true. Once you start to realize that comfortable is not comforting you can work on what's holding you back. Maybe my bitterness and contentment in the season I've been in is a part of what's holding me back. I don't know what's coming because the future's not ours to see. [WHADDUP TATTOO REFERENCE :) ]. What I do know is that part of what stuck with me that Sunday was--- Be ready for something different; prepare your heart for change. To me, that meant maybe my season is going to change
**Sorry the "I think I feel a change in the wind" line from Pirates of the Caribbean just popped into my head.**
Anyways.
Since my decision to go back to church on Sundays, my life has been a HOT MESS.
SOMEONE is not happy with my decision…
#suckstosuck #sorrynotsorry
I've gone through a lot in these past two weeks:
Betrayal.
Body Image Issues.
Tears.
Broken Friendships.
Soul Searching.
More Tears.
Going in the Ocean.
P.S. the last one is a BIG DEAL.
I HATE the ocean.
I like looking at it.
But I'm afraid of it.
I don't like not knowing what's underneath me.
Plus I was definitely tossed and tumbled as a kid.
But I did it.
I went it.
All the way.
At night no less.
Next time..I'll go further.
Speaking of ocean, as I sit here writing this listening to and watching the waves, I came to the conclusion that maybe the rough times I've been having these past two weeks are obviously yes to prepare me for later on, but also maybe to kickstart a pattern of change in my life. It may not have been what I had in mind..
..like oh, you know:
a boyfriend
a career
my cousin to move to CA and live with me
moving out….
..but who knows, maybe these "friendships" in my life are ending/changing/drifting so that I can move forward. Maybe what I thought was helping me is holding me back. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Another thing God placed on my heart was the word "hope."
That's one that's been hard for me.
It's hard to hope when you are constantly feeling down or weak. It's something I need to work on to strengthen my future.
"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord. 'Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."-Jeremiah 29:11.
It takes courage to have hope.
Something I remind myself of everyday.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."-Joshua 1:9
"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."-Isaiah 41:10
I don't know what God is up to, needless to say, I'm intrigued.
Change is always for the best.
"Too much of the same stories in our lives, I think it's time for a change don't you? Too much of the same stories in our lives I think it's time for us to walk away from here."-Trapt Stories
