I find it so funny that we can be so cold, so hardened, so guarded…
rock solid
unbreakable
full of strength
…yet find ourselves ripped and torn and scattered all over the floor like a piece of paper in a matter of seconds. Human beings are so incredibly complex and unique…
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."- Psalm 139:14
…because we are designed that way. We are also designed to focus on God with our lives, minds, and bodies. Unfortunately, because of the world we live in, it isn't as easy to keep that focus pure.
When our "everything" becomes something other than God, it is very easy to discover exactly how fragile we really are.
Our "everything", (significant other, career, dreams, finances, etc.) can quickly be taken away, leaving us with nothing, torn, broken, and scattered on the floor.
I've been there.
I've been broken.
Torn.
Had my life, dreams, plans snatched away, ripped up and scattered into itty bitty pieces.
Pain. Anger. Bitterness. Rage. Depression.
But I wouldn't change anything.
Because my experiences have shaped who I am. God put me through these experiences, seasons, situations for me to learn from them, and to trust in Him and Him alone.
"I don't need to see it to believe it."-Hillsong United
I know my God is real. I know my God is powerful. I know that my God knows best and has a plan for each and every one of us.
I know these things.
I believe these things.
Which is why it is hard sometimes when we can't see the whole picture like God can.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."-Ecclesiastes 3:11
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."-Isaiah 55:8-9 (Thanks Michele)
These two verses have been words I've clung to for the past five years.
So much so that it is now tattooed on my body.
_"Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, Que sera sera."-Doris Day
Over these past years God has had me in a season.
I don't know where I am going.
I don't know what God is in store for me.
But I know He's got me.
I've learned a lot and I definitely am a different person from when I was starting over from itty bitty pieces. Patience, faithfulness, surrender, and being real have all been things I've worked on in this time.
But that doesn't make it easy.
This journey definitely has been one step at a time.
This journey is a roller coaster of up and downs.
And a constant battle inside myself.
Lately, there have been a lot of things I have been feeling "torn" about, simply because I don't know what my future holds. It feels like it's a constant battle within my head about what to do, what not to do, what is right, what is wrong, is this God wanting me to make a decision and then He'll bless it or am I supposed to continue to be patient?
Everything in this point of my season is very unclear.
I felt that once I finished school things would change and now it hasn't.
I feel that I've been struggling to keep my hopes and faith up.
"Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby, I been, I been praying' hard, said no more counting dollars, we'll be, we'll be counting stars."-One Republic
I constantly find myself wanting to be in a different season or a different place or a different time. It didn't used to be like this…yes of course I wasn't necessarily happy with the season I'm in, but I knew that it was where I was supposed to be. Now it is just, the longer I continue in this season, the more lost I feel.
With my career in teaching, I've gone through school and training and it constantly feels like the door is getting slammed in my face because I can't find a full time position because I don't have enough experience.
With finances, I work five different jobs to try and get by so that I can save to move out---but I can't really move until I get that full time teaching job.
With "love"… I don't know where to go because I've had such a hard time trusting people due to past experiences, social choices, or geographical trends and unnecessary addictions. I've had guys dangled in front of my face and taken away, friends be really close but then leave, situations where I don't know whether God is telling me to wait around for this one or to keep moving.
I don't know where God wants to take me.
I don't know what my future holds.
I do know that I've been patient and have continually trusted God.
I do know that everyday is a constant battle within myself.
I know the longer this season continues, the harder it is for me to to stay faithful to my core values and hope in Christ. It is difficult to be strong when you consistently feel like you are living in weakness.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it in patience. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."-Romans 8:25-26
