…I'm giving up on you."
Well, it has been a while.
hmm. let's see:
-Masters Degree…check
-Credential…check
-Get the hell out of CVS…not so check
(but soon…or I'll literally kill someone…#butreallydoe)
-Substituting for experience…check
-Teaching job…working on it.
Anyways…at least my life is going somewhere. Kind of. Forever it felt like I was getting no-where…and it still kind of feels that way, but this time like the season has started moving again. Towards an end. Chapters are closing left and right:
-end of camp
-end of church (still looking for a new one)
-end of school
-hopefully end of CVS
-hopefully end of singleness
I just don't know.
The season I'm in is a season of wanting and not getting.
I've been hurt, depressed, and brought down so many times and for so long that it's frustrating.
-I'm never gonna be skinny-but I want to be healthy
-I'm never gonna get the hot guy-but I'm going to have the perfect match on God's timing
-I'm never gonna be understood-but I'm going to be the same person in every setting if it kills me
-I'm never gonna care about everyone anymore-but I will care for those within my ability
I'm sick of the games.
the drama.
the looks.
the judgements.
the tears.
…but it will get better.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I know my God.
and He knows my future.
[The future's not ours to see]
^^future tattoo reference awww yeah^^
************************************************************
Valentine's Day is today.
Not excited.
I've never had a good one of those.
It has always reminded me of what I don't have.
It will be five in June.
Single for five years.
I know God has a plan.
But I'm really freaking over it.
Especially at this particular point in time.
I don't just throw myself at guys like half the planet.
Shocker.
There are a lot of standards and qualities that have to be present for me even to consider you.
It takes a lot for a guy to climb over the walls I've built up
[thank you very much ex-boyfriend…]
Maybe that's why I like Spiderman so much…he's a climbing pro.
wow. that's pathetic.
Boys like that don't come along that often.
So when they do, I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN GOD DANGLES THEM IN FRONT OF MY FACE AND THEN IT DOESN'T WORK OUT.
#notbitter
party of one.
FREAKING BITTER.
Last two guys I've liked.
Not even worth it.
I quit.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes there's nothing left to do but cry.
That's where I'm at.
Getting a perfect guy put into my life, full well knowing it's a rarity, and then getting it taken away…
it isn't easy to deal with.
at all.
Ask the tears that have been running down my face the past couple hours.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't see the point of putting them in my life…to show me what I can't have?
to show me what I want and then making me doubt if that's what I really want at all because it never works out?
God has a plan. Ya I got that.
But it really hurts.
I wish this was me.
I'm so far from a Proverbs 31 girl.
I'm not perfect.
At all.
I try so hard to hold fast in God in trouble, happiness, strength, fear.
And I do.
At least I try.
But it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.
I know I just have to be faithful.
And be okay with the fact that God is in control and has a plan for my life.
On His timing.
With the tears running down my face,
I can tell you this is really hard.
Especially this time.
